The Road Trip
by Steph.Raine
Summary: Road trip crossover fic with Donna, Josh, Sam, and The X-Files' Mulder and Scully. Soon will include ER characters. Flame away, folks, we're ready.


The Road Trip, chapter 1  
By: Raine and Stephanie  
Disclaimer: We don't own 'em. Promise.   
Spoilers: Uh . . . season 1 for The West Wing, everything X-Files-ish, and nothing for ER. Not yet, at least. ::cackles::  
Authors' Notes: Whatever. This is a TWW/XF/ER crossover, and the result of late night boredom. Flame away, at steph_2816@yahoo.com. And no, we weren't high when this was written. This is how we normally are. Really. ::nods:: Dedicated to Raine's J/D obsession and Steph's MSR fanatacism. And we have more written, if we like the reviews enough, we'll send you more. With ER-goodness in it. You are now entering the twilight zone . . . or something along those lines.  
  
~x~  
  
Mulder, Scully, Josh and Donna started their road trip at 7:30 that morning. They predicted this to be the beginning of a beauuuuuutiful journey together. Albeit, under strange circumstances. Little did they know Dracula was lurking around the next corner. Duh duh duuuhh. Alas, Dracula couldn't get to them, though, because, it being 7:30 in the morning, it was *light* outside. Whilst Dracula shrivels in the corner, Bigfoot jumps in front of the speeding car   
"Holy shiznits!" Josh says, while Mulder simply gawks at the beauty of Bigfoot.   
"Scully, will ya look at that?! It's *Bigfoot*!"   
Scully rolled her eyes, and gave her standard eyebrow reaction. "Mulder, don't be ridiculous. Bigfoot doesn't even exist. It's probably a hairy man with a genetic disorder that cause abnormal largeness."  
"Or it could just be a shared hallucination, after all, we did all get high before we left." Interjects Donna, the voice of wisdom as usual.   
"That's a reasonable scientific explanation," agrees Scully, "remember the underground plant thing that almost devoured us, Mulder? We thought we escaped, but then realized we couldn't just will ourselves to escape, so you shot Skinner to prove your point, then we willed ourselves out."  
"Hold on a second..." started Josh, "You said you couldn't just will yourself out... how did you get out? You could still be under there. Hell, that makes a lot of sense, considering the four of us are from two different shows, one that isn't even airing anymore!"   
Mulder looked puzzled. "Scullyyyy . . . I thought the nice man said it was just a cigarette. And you *said* it wouldn't hurt anything . . ." Mulder whined, "It was probably the Smoking Man! I bet he did it! I bet he drugged you all, too!" His voice trailed off, as he picked at Josh's hair, "Oooh, look. Pretty hair."  
"Don't mess with the hair!" Josh screeches. Mulder backs off, and hides behind Scully's arm, whimpering. "Scullyyy, he tried to hurt me."   
Donna interjected, "Boys, shut up. We need to concentrate if we're going to lose those government agents we've got trailing us."   
Josh looked into the rearview mirror, as Mulder hid, in fear of the Syndicate. Josh squinted further, finally declaring, "False alarm, guys. It's just Sam. I paged him 911 to bring me some kung pao chicken."   
Josh hit the brakes hard, causing Sam to swerve to avoid rearending them. Sam vaults out of the car and runs to Josh's window. He places the package in Josh's outstretched hand. Josh greedily reaches in, only to find now chicken, but a giant box of chicklets.   
"What the? SAM!"  
"What? You asked for 'King pack chiclets'. I just assumed you meant the king sized pack..."   
"KUNG PAO CHICKEN! SAM! Not chiclets!"   
"Well blame the hooker... she's the one who had my pager and relayed the message to me."   
"Gimme those chiclets," interjects Donna, jamming her mouth full. "Hanks Am"   
"Thanks Sam," Scully interprets. "You guys are nuts," Scully concluded. "I mean, sure, I got impregnated by aliens, but you guys are some oddballs."   
Josh and Sam just looked at each other, as Sam began to protest, Josh stopped him, telling Sam, "You know she's kind of right. Ah well."   
Sam said, "No, that's not what I was gonna say. How the hell did aliens impregnate you? Was that guy who came about the Alamo serious?"   
Mulder jumped in, "Of *course* they exist. And what do you mean, about the Alamo?" he asked as Sam slid in the back seat next to Mulder and Scully, deeply interested now.   
"Oh brother . . ." said Scully.   
Donna asked, "Is he always like this?"   
"Yeah, pretty much," she replied, "Is Sam always like this, too?"   
"Well. Yeah. But I also feel I have to say, that, in our defense, we are aware that we're oddballs."   
"Well I guess that's the first step."   
"Yeah. We just need to figure out what the second one is."   
At that moment Josh hits the gas hard. Sam, not being buckled in properly, flies into Mulder, pinning him against the seat. "Scullyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Help meeeeeee!" Mulder cries, arms and legs flailing, desperately trying to grasp something. Scully calmly reaches over, and with one hand, lifts Sam off Mulder and places him on her other side. Quickly realizing that she didn't disguise her superhuman strength, she glances around to see if any of the dimwits traveling with her noticed her inhuman strength. Nope. Everything was normal. As normal as they could ever be, traveling with two politicians, one lovestruck assistant, and one paranoid sci-fi addict.   
"So . . . where exactly *are* we going?" Sam asked. The rest of the car's occupants just looked at each other.   
"We, uh, hadn't actually decided that yet," Josh said.   
"I wanna go to Graceland!" Mulder declared.   
"Mulder, shut up," Scully said, "Why would we *possibly* want to go to Graceland? For that matter, why are we even going anywhere?"   
"Don't you remember that day in the office? 'Let's go spend some money'? Man Scully, I thought we'd connected on some deeper money-wasting level."   
"So that's what we're doing? Wasting the government's money by driving aimlessly down the highway?" Scully asked   
"Well duh!" Mulder replied, flipping his hair.   
"Rock on!" Josh pumped hit fist into the air.   
"Josh.... we *are* the government," Donna whispered.   
"Oh. Right. Get out! Get out!" Josh waved frantically at Mulder and Scully. "Get out, get to work, and give me back my credit cards!"   
"You idiot," Scully said, "it's not *your* money. Just government money. That in no way affects you. Or your paycheck."   
"Ooooh," Josh said, "Alright then."   
Mulder leaned over to Scully and whispered, "That's a total lie."   
"Yeah, but he doesn't know it," Scully replied.   
Mulder grinned, "Oooh, Scully. How evil."   
Sam cried, "Agh! I got gum stuck in my hair!!! Donnaaaaaa, get it off, get it off, get it off!"   
Donna sighed, "Sam, how the hell did you do that? And quit moving!" she said as she masterfully removed the gum from the entanglement in his hair.   
"Now what the hell's that on the windshield?" asked Mulder.   
Josh rolled down the window and snaked his hand around to the front windshield of the car, grabbing the foreign object. "It's.... it's... more gum!"  
"What the he--" Scully starts, only to be interrupted by the blood curdling scream being emitted from Sam's mouth.   
"There's gum! All. Over. Josh's. Haaaair!" Sam wails.   
"Not the hair!" Josh screams hysterically.   
"Calm down, Joshua. I can fix it," Donna replies calmly. But instead of reaching for josh's hair, she reaches for the chiclets and pops another handful in her mouth. Chewing quickly, she removes the gum, and in one swift motion, pastes the wad on josh's head, and smoothes it around evenly. "There. Now it's all the same."  
Josh checked his hair in the rearview mirror. "Heeeey, not bad. It's all rainbow-y."   
Sam whined, "Why does Josh get to have pretty hair? I want rainbow hair!"   
"Me too!" Mulder declared triumphantly as Josh made faces at the rest of them, mocking them with his pretty hair.   
"Alright, alright." Donna said, "You can all have rainbow hair. Just give me a minute. There's only so much gum a girl can chew at one time."   
"Yay!" Mulder and Sam exclaimed. Mulder nudged Scully, "This is where a normal woman would offer to help another normal woman."   
"What?" Scully replied, confused.   
"Chew the gum, Scully, chew the gum!"  
Scully stuck out her hand reluctantly.   
"Whah?" Asked Donna, her mouth full of gum.   
"Chiclets."   
"Whah weh mahic word?"   
"Please pass me the chiclets," Scully asked not at all politely. Scully got the chiclets alright. She got them in her eye, in her hair, down her shirt...which Mulder was more than happy to offer his assistance to remove. Sam offered as well, but after receiving the death glare from Mulder, backed off. Scully smacked Donna on the back of the head, "Thanks a lot!"   
Donna simply glared, "Well, if you'd just been nice about it . . . "   
"I was the one offering my help!" Scully protested.   
Josh interjected, "I have pretty haaaaaaairrrrrrr!"   
"Yes, we know, Josh, and frankly, we don't care," Donna said.   
Josh pouted, "That wasn't very nice, Donnatella."   
"Well i'm not in a very nice mood, Joshua."   
"Why not?" Josh pouted. "Because that *bitch* back there doesn't have any manners."   
"Are you sure it's not just because you and Scully have a lot of unresolved sexual tension? Because, if you two want to get it on, I can just sit here in the corner and not say --"   
Josh didn't get to finish that sentence. He was struck hard with two blunt objects. Donna's fist and Scully's heel.   
"Oooowwww," Josh wailed, "That *hurt*!"   
Scully shrugged, and Donna said, "Well, you deserved it, mister. You and your dirty little mind. No wonder you were with that slut, Amy."   
"Hey!" Josh protested, "That was months ago, and I've seen the horrible errs of my ways."  
"That whining... those one-letter nicknames... that hair, the 'look-at-me-I'm-so-cute' act, which by the way, was totally fake, the feminista act, the sleeping with guys because of their political power, the --"   
"Sounds like someone I know.." Scully interjected, looking pointedly at Mulder.   
"What?"   
"Do I have to spell it out for you?"   
"Um... yes?" Mulder asked tentatively.   
"F..."   
Mulder just blinks.   
"F..o.."   
Blink. Blink.   
"F...o...w...l.."   
"Oh! You mean Diana?"   
"Yes, I mean Diaaaanaaa," Scully said exasperatedly.   
"Yeah, well . . ." Mulder said, pathetically.   
"'Yeah, well', what? 'Yeah, well' she's a lying vindictive slut? 'Yeah, well' she deserved pain, torture, and more pain?" Scully countered.   
"Uh . . . yes?" Mulder said, afraid of the Wrath of Scully.   
Sam laughed, "You guys are great entertainment."  
The other four travelers look over at Sam.   
Josh ruffles Sam's hair affectionately. "Forgot you were here, buddy."   
"Isn't that just typical?" mumbles Sam.  
"What?" Josh asked.   
"Well," Sam started, "You guys are all caught up in your own problems, that you forget about poor little Sam. I'm a person too! I need love, too, y'know! And the hooker's starting to get expensive, damn it."   
"Well," Scully said, "I could set you up with this doctor I went to med school with . . . we're close to Chicago, right? We could swing by Cook County, see what Susan Lewis is up to . . . "  
  
~x~ 


End file.
